Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Who's the truest of them all?

"If we are able to see our own shadow and can bear knowing about it, then a small part of the problem has already been solved."

-Carl Jung

Lemme just start off with this: There is nothing more humbling than a teenager who has decided to call you on your bullshit. Make that teenager a Scorpio (IYKYK) and you’re cooked.

Here’s the thing about teens, they are perceptive and have zero tolerance for hypocrisy. If they sense for one second that you’re being disingenuous, they will not let it slide.

I happen to live with a member of the adolescent species. A kind hearted fellow who lives for a good debate, his hobbies include: hockey, video games and rage baiting his mom.

I’ve learned to keep my temper in check over the years, which is easier said than done with a worthy opponent who knows all the right buttons to push. Not to mention with one of the few people on earth who genuinely knows me inside and out.

We cannot hide from our children. They see it all. The public face. The private one. They know what we look like on the weekend, when we get out of bed, go to bed and everything in between.

They are walking, talking mirrors for all the parts of us we hide from the world, and often ourselves. Especially when they get into those teenage years. On the flip side, have you ever felt as free around anyone as you feel around your children? I never ever sing in front of anyone, but I’ll belt Whitney Houston on every car ride with my son. I do not care. There’s no mask with him. He gets to see the unguarded, goofy weirdo I am when no one is looking.

But that freedom cuts both ways. Sometimes my son illuminates things within me that I either cannot, or have chosen not to see. This week was one of those times. The details are not important, but let’s just say he reflected something back to me that wasn’t very becoming. At first I felt defensive, but then I couldn’t stop thinking about it. He had touched a nerve and exposed a version of myself I found it difficult to accept.

It made me wonder: which version of me is the real one?

Because there are two versions constantly vying for center stage: the saint and the villain. I want so badly to embody one, while fearing deep down that I might actually be the other.

The saint is the one who will strike up a conversation with anyone, from any walk of life. The one who genuinely likes people. Who will drop everything to help a friend in need. She is heart centered and empathetic. Generous and kind. Compassionate, gracious, forgiving. This isn't performative. She is genuine and real within me.

The villain goes toe to toe with the neighbor over her dog. She boos the ref and snaps when she’s overstimulated. She can be petty, and even mean. Judgmental. Resentful. She’s the walking talking embodiment of “I wish a m&th3r F&ck3r would.” Unfortunately, she is also alive and well within me.

It's like good cop, bad cop in here. I lean into the saint. I claim her, while trying to suppress the villain. Leave her behind. Exile her. Because every time she shows up, she undermines my credibility. I'm terrified that people who've witnessed the villain are side eyeing the saint. So I repress her. But I am not one or the other. To be whole, I must accept that I am both.

And yet...at the end of the day, at my most fundamental core, I'm neither. They are, after all, both personas. One is visible and intentional. The other is shadow. I cultivate the saint, pour myself into and identify with her. The villain is deeper, more insidious. Subconscious. She is the protector, rising when I feel threatened. When she takes over she is all consuming and merciless.

Ironically, the villain is most likely to show up when someone challenges the saint. Because she understands something the saint does not: they’re both on the same team.

The only way to balance these two is to integrate them. When the saint finally grows a backbone, the villain won’t have to be so fiercely vigilant. When the villain is allowed to prowl, the saint will feel safer within her own complexity.

For now, I’m letting awareness be enough. I’ve spent a long time pretending the villain doesn’t exist, hiding her from myself as much as from everyone else. Just facing her feels like a huge step.

As for the kid who held up the mirror? After a few days of reflection, I circled back to the conversation. I let him know that he had given me a lot to think about and it was a hard pill to swallow but I appreciated his honesty. And maybe the most humbling part of this whole ordeal? I had to admit he was right. Something he never doubted for a second.

Letting go of what you can’t change - guided meditation | The Daily Coach

10 Minutes

I found this meditation on a day when I was trying to cope with something difficult. One of those things you just have to accept because there's nothing you can do about it. This was the perfect balm.

It is such a simple visualization, I was surprised at how powerful it turned out to be. The effects lasted long after the mediation ended. And It didn't feel like sitting down and meditating for 10 minutes. More like listening to a short podcast with a little relaxing visualization woven in. Really, really nice.

Your Morning Tightness is Holding You Back - Fix it With THIS Stretch Routine | yoga with katharine

11 Minutes

This is SO GOOD. I had to take my time with it, lots of rewinding, pausing and studying form. Many of these movements were new to me. They're similar to familiar yoga poses, but invite a different kind of movement into the practice.

I've been experiencing aching hips and lower back during my Nidras lately, and on the morning I did this before my meditation, all of that was gone. It felt like a miracle.

Yoga Nidra for Elevating Your Emotions and Well-Being | Heart Brain Coherence Meditation | Loren Runion

26 Minutes

I resurrected this from the archives this week and remembered why I fell in love with it in the first place. When I first started practicing Yoga Nidra daily, this was one of my regulars. It's unique, uplifting, and I think you're going to love it.

This week, I wish you the freedom to experience yourself fully. Not just the parts you curate, but the entire spectrum. The saint, the villain, and everything in between. That's not something to fix. That's what it means to be whole.

See you next Sunday.