You Can't Have the Highs Without the Lows

Learning to Love Life Unconditionally

'“I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there’s gum in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning, I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.”

Alexander and The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst

I am prone to bouts of melancholy.

They come without warning, rolling in like fog in the night, settling over my inner landscape and lingering for days, sometimes weeks. The intensity varies. At times, I feel agitated and uneasy, with an undercurrent of anxiety thrumming just below the surface. Everything feels…off. I become self critical, needy and insecure— but still fairly functional.

Other times, I slip into a deeper, more impenetrable despondency where even basic tasks feel overwhelming. Dishes stack up, laundry accumulates and my whole house slowly devolves into chaos.

It doesn’t help that I don’t sleep well during these times, exhaustion compounding my misery, leaving me wondering when—or if—I’ll ever feel okay again.

To my dismay, I spent most of my summer in a state of malaise. Summer, when the sun shines and the living is easy. Summer, when Alaskans are bathed in happiness-inducing Vitamin D. Summer, a few short months of light and levity before darkness descends once again.

It reminded me of the Christmas I spent in Hawaii, where a stubborn midwinter gloom followed me all the way from Alaska and refused to lift. I spent much of that trip bobbing listlessly in the ocean, convinced that salt water, sea air, and sunshine would revive me. I did eventually perk up, but I’ll never know if paradise cured me or if my mood simply ran its course.

I'm writing this from the midst of yet another low. I felt it creeping in on Sunday when I woke two hours earlier than usual. Rather than battling myself back to sleep, I practiced some gentle asana and settled in for a long Yoga Nidra session.

I emerged feeling mercifully rested and ready to teach my weekly yoga class. Thank goodness for Yoga Nidra—my lifeline during these times

The class went well, but afterward, I felt agitated. I mentally nitpicked my teaching, chastising myself for rambling and stumbling over cues. I held the surge of panic at bay until the students left, but once alone in my car, it flooded through me. By the time I got home, I was spiraling. Overwhelmed with fear and shame, I was sure no one would ever come to my class again. I felt like a total fraud.

I've been here before— many, many times. I am intimately familiar with this dread that comes out of nowhere and curdles my inner atmosphere. I recognize the unshakable suspicion that something, everything, has gone terribly wrong

So, even though all I wanted to do was curl up in a dark room and hide from the world, I decided to go for a long walk with a trusted friend. Tapping into my support system reminded me that I am loved and I felt more grounded afterwards. I spent the rest of the day in my pajamas happily watching Love is Blind:UK, (my favorite addition to the franchise so far) and eating comfort food.

The week that followed wasn’t easy. Sleep continued to evade me and I felt volatile. I leaned on my personal practice for support even more than usual. My morning Nidra sessions kept me sane.

These episodes have plagued me since I was a teenager, when I withdrew into angst and moodiness, only emerging to terrorize my family with explosive meltdowns. In my late teens and 20’s, I self medicated with drugs and alcohol. I received various forms of intervention over the years— a prescription for prozac in college and Xanax in my early 30s. I even did a short stint in a mental health facility at the age of 18. The medications made a bad situation worse and any attempts at therapy were too brief to be effective.

About ten years ago, fearing that I would be at the mercy of unpredictable emotions and unbalanced brain chemistry forever, I finally got desperate enough to try meditation.

It was a revelatory experience. For the first time, in a very long time, I felt relief and that was enough to keep me coming back.

Meditation has taught me a lot about myself and the nature of my suffering. I've become attuned to the rhythm of my ups and downs—like waves, they come and go. I’ve come to realize that I don’t cause them. I cannot prevent or eliminate them. There is nothing to fix, or “heal”. It’s all part of the flow of my life and the more I surrender to that flow, the more peace I feel.

In the beginning, this lack of control felt demoralizing. It was difficult to accept that no amount of yoga, sound baths, hypnotherapy, plant medicine or even meditation could shield me from painful experiences—whether physical, emotional, or otherwise

Over time, I began to see the freedom in it. I had spent my whole life forcing my circumstances to fit my desires—resisting anything uncomfortable and clinging to what felt safe. I thought I had to control my external world, and everyone in it, to be happy

I was fighting against the current and I was drowning.

When I finally surrendered my need for control, my suffering decreased exponentially. My difficulties didn’t magically disappear, but the load got lighter because I wasn’t piling guilt, anger and resistance on top.

I don’t have to struggle anymore. Heck, sometimes I don’t even swim, opting to float and let the stream take me where it wants.

I’ve also learned how to support myself in hard times by establishing little rituals that feel like rewards.

I save my longest, most luxurious Yoga Nidra sessions for mornings when I haven’t slept well. I don’t get upset when I wake up tired after a long night because I know that I have a deeply satisfying practice waiting for me.

I stockpile entire seasons of my favorite tv shows. When I hit a wall, and I always do, I let myself be lazy. I change into my coziest sweats, curl up on my couch and catch up with old friends and entertaining characters.

I always have the makings of a spectacular snack mix stashed away— break glass in case of emergency style. Right now it’s a jar of dry roasted peanuts, a bag of candy corn and my favorite popcorn. When the times comes, i’ll mix them all together and enjoy while I watch the new season of Survivor.

In other words, I’ve given myself some really good reasons to just go with it. Life is gonna life. Might as well enjoy the ride.

And if I can’t even manage to enjoy the ride, at least I’ve got Yoga Nidra, top tier snacks and trashy reality television to keep my company along the way.

How to ACTUALLY Get Grounded | Spirit Sessions | Katie Silcox

This simple, free offering is one of the most powerfully effective tools I’ve found to alleviate anxiety. It’s a perfect blend of time tested wisdom and practices you can easily incorporate into your daily routine— about 17 minutes of each.

I fell in love with this meditation when I first discovered it more than three years ago on the Ghee Spot (now Spirit Sessions) podcast with Katie Silcox. I love that I can downloaded it onto my phone and return to it over and over and over again.

I find this meditation exceptionally helpful for social anxiety. When I practice it before entering a social situation, I feel much more calm and grounded in my body. It’s truly a godsend.

Yoga For Anxiety and Panic Attacks | Breathing Exercises and Yoga Poses to Calm Your Nervous System | Caitlin K'eli Yoga

12 Minutes | All Levels

Sometimes, the most therapeutic thing you can do is to get in your body and move. This class is an excellent way to do that.

The box breath, combined with the full body stretch is sure to wring out any excess, anxious energy and leave you feeling more calm than when you started. Plus, it’s short enough that you can squeeze it in any time you need a little yoga therapy.

40 Minute Yoga Nidra For Deep Rest | Ally Boothroyd

45 Minutes | All Levels | Beginner Friendly

I practiced this Nidra near the end of the week, after a string of short nights. I woke up feeling defeated and I knew I needed something really rejuvinating. This practice delivered.

I was actually shocked at how good I felt afterwards. I went on to have a great day. My mood was as high as I could have hoped for and I was productive.

I am so thankful to Ally Boothroyd for, once again, delivering a life preserver in the form of a beautiful, effective Yoga Nidra practice.

I want to add a caveat about mental health here. I am in no way suggesting that meditation is the only way to find peace. I am only sharing what works for me.

Meditation is my medicine.

But, as a dear friend recently told me “There are many ways up the mountain”. I’m just here shine a light on one, particular path.

My wish is that you find the path that brings you peace, whatever it may be.

I hope you Have a wonderful, splendid, so good, very glad week. :)

See you next Sunday!